EllingFamily:TogetherWeThrive

I hesitate to write because words cannot express the pain associated with this experience. I choose to write because I want to alleviate fears to those who may have a similar experience.

March 9 as Austin was picking me up from work at 5:00 pm and I could see he was experiencing some discomfort as he walked toward me. He asked if I could drive home in case his condition worsened. Since the pain was radiating it was unclear if it was indeed coming from his testicle, or if it was from his appendix. On the way out of town we discussed going to the doctor. Considering whether to go to after hours care was more scrutinized because of the increased costs and after all, was this actually an emergency? Austin suggested that we drive home and if the pain worsened he would go to the Emergency Room in Hampton. I encouraged him to reconsider the doctor because if it was an appendix issue, time is urgent. In that case, he chose to go to Mason City because if it were a more serious problem, one usually gets transferred there anyway. We took the next gravel road north to Mason City.

Austin's pain seemed to increase, but they still made him visit with an incoming patient clerk to check addresses, insurance, etc. He was then taken back to an examining room where they suggested it was either a twisted testicle or tumor. I could see a significant sized mass as I watched to ultrasound take place. Pain was increasing and Austin asked for medication. After many hours of waiting in pain a very nice doctor (Dr. Johannsen) and his nurse explained that it was indeed a tumor. I personally had never seen a doctor react the way Dr. Johannsen did. He was very concerned and asked if were going to be ok with the recently devastating news. Because of health classes in college I knew that testicular cancer usually occurred in young men. I also knew that the cure rate was one of the highest of all cancers. Austin at this point was a little out of it due to the pain mediation. We had a lot to think about on the way home.

Immediately I tried to think of my role as a wife and a friend. What possibly could my husband need from me? I gave a courtesy call to a few friends and family. I was always sure that Austin was going to recover from cancer and survive chemo. I wasn't prepared for the harsh treatment.

Many times I didn't know how to react to the questions and concerns Austin had. I feel I did the right thing by listening instead of always trying to answer and acting when he needed me to call a doctor or take him to the ER for possible related chemo symptoms.

The best thing I could do in the 45 minute (one way) car ride was not speak. The silence was one thing I wish I could change because the one thing I have always liked about my relationship with my husband was the conversation. If I don't get my fill of conversation for the day I get crabby. Imagine six months of that. Abstinence wasn't even that bad. Not being able to have a conversation was the worst.

I can't say that my personal relationship with God changed. I had already given Austin's care over to Him. My faith did provide comfort, though. I prayed daily as I usually do.

Being a supportive wife came with a fair share of guilt. There were many times when I felt I put myself first before tending to Austin's needs. Austin woke me up fairly early every morning for me to get breakfast for him to settle his stomach. I didn't mind the early wake, but fixing something for myself at the same time took a few extra minutes when I should've just rushed some food up to his bedside. Many days I buried myself in books and took care of my own interests when he lay there in anguish while the bag slowly dripped. At the end of his chemo and the beginning of his recovery I felt selfish for thinking about getting back into my career. My contract had run out at my job and I had already chosen not to return for another year. At this point I was convinced that Austin was going to get better and that he would heal fully recover and I would be left alone; not needed anymore. Fear had set in for me and I let this get to me. If Austin had felt good enough he could've reasoned with me, but he wasn't so I was left with my own thoughts spiraling to fear.

Right after Austin completed this third and final round of chemo was probably the worst. My expectations were high because I thought, No chemo, he'll get better right away! Oops, that was when the cumulative effects of the medication had penetrated all bodily systems. I didn't understand why he wasn't getting better right away. In fact, he seemed to be getting worse. Like clockwork, throwing up was an evening ritual.

Austin takes much better care of himself now. He seems to prioritize what's more important to living a happy and healthy life. Every day for at least a year he talked about getting cancer back. I'm sure it was on his mind more than he verbalized and that's OK, I like to hear him talk about it. After all, who wants to go through chemo again?

Many people say cancer can either ruin a relationship or bring it closer together. Yeah, I guess so. If anything it brought us closer because I appreciate having Austin in good health. I never felt obligated to care for him and if it happened again, God forbid he'd have to suffer that much again, I'd be there.